A Colorado judge ruled that a credit union formed to serve the pot industry cannot access the federal banking system. It can, however, sleep on the federal banking system’s couch until the middle of next week.
A naked man in Britain was arrested and found to have 7.2 grams of cocaine in his foreskin. Police have not yet released the man's identity but would only confirm the man was not Jewish.
In New York, people are lining up for hours to see the Amorphophallus titanum, a rare Indonesian plant which blooms once ever seven years and is known as the "Corpse Flower" because of its a vile, putrid odor that closely resembles the stench of rotting flesh. People who spend summer in Manhattan refer to it by its new nickname: “Febreeze.”
Donald Trump says that if his daughter was sexually harassed at work he hopes she'd leave the job, or at least she'd have the courage to tell her boss: “Stop it or I’ll tell Melania.”
The Clinton campaign has released their newest strategy: “Pray Trump doesn’t get laryngitis.”
Trump now says he’s afraid the upcoming election is about to rigged; unlike the rest of us who are just afraid of the upcoming election.
A German man killed his wife, put her head in concrete and used that to drown himself. Luckily, the Germans have a word for that.
Yesterday, Police in Morris County, New Jersey issued a warning that a 12-foot pet anaconda escaped its confinement in a residential neighborhood and that while not poisonous, the snake is very dangerous to pets and small children. Today, the Morris County Gazette issued a statement that the missing anaconda is currently polling seven points above Chris Christie.
Warner Brothers announced plans to remake the romantic comedy, “Splash,” with Channing Tatum in the lead role as a merman. It will be called: “SPLASH 2: WHERE DOES THE DICK GO?"
Jennifer Lawrence said this week she thinks celebrities should be given “...time off from being famous”. They do. It’s called turning 35.
Days ahead of the start of the Rio games, a ramp used by the sailing teams collapsed, causing a delay in the first round of competition. Luckily, engineers have created a new and stronger ramp made of used carnival beads and raw sewage.
Registered sex offenders on parole in New York are barred from playing Pokemon GO. The parolees are fine with this so long as they are allowed to continue playing Doctor. (...as long as they are allowed to continue saying mass.)
This week, the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry announced four new chemical elements will be added to the periodic table, all of which are described as “tasting like chicken.”
Green Party Presidential candidate Dr. Jill Stein thinks vaccinations might be risky and, we found out this week, also thinks Wi-Fi is dangerous for children’s brains. Her new campaign slogan: MAKING AMERICA YOUR WEIRD SISTER-IN-LAW AGAIN.
In Australia, “Jedi” is the 6th most common religion, right behind Sikh which makes sense when you consider that Australia is an island, a country, a continent and the only place on earth which didn’t get “The Phantom Menace.”
A lab in Australia has genetically engineered Bearded Dragon lizards which are male and act male but lay eggs. When asked to comment about the experiment, one of the lizards had this to say to reporters: “OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW.”
Miss Florida was stripped of her crown for violating pageant rules and is now suing the pageant for $15 million. The bathing suit portion of the deposition will begin Monday.
Hillary Clinton says Saudi Arabia’s execution of 47 people raises “serious questions.” The first question being: “Didn’t we all agree to look the other way when they did shit like this?”
Brain-eating amoebas have been discovered in the water in South Carolina. The first reported victims include two swimmers from Lake Vining, and Trey Gowdy.
* * * * *
A man in Brazil was caught on video having sex with the exhaust pipe of a car. Although the car wasn't his car, police refused to arrest the man because the sex appeared to be consensual, the sex wasn't oral sex and, hey, it's Brazil.
In a move to expand its user base, Twitter is considering a 10,000 character-limit for Tweets. They’re going to call the new service “Writing.”
Turns out flossing your teeth may not be as effective as previously thought. This is very upsetting. What am I going to lie to my dentist about now?
According to a new study, people born in the 1990s are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early 20s than the previous generation. Let me read this again: People born in the 1990s are more than twice as likely to be sexually inactive in their early twenties than people of the previous generation. If I'm reading this correctly, this means that people born in the 1990s are half as sexually active as people born in the previous generation. ... ... ... Ha!
* * * * *
FLORIDA CRIME STORY BINGO
The host introduces a Florida Bingo card and then reads actual news stories in an attempt to win Florida Bingo. As the details of each story are revealed, the appropriate squares are marked until we complete a row, at which point the audience rises from their seats and yells “Bingo!”
Here’s the card:
Here are some recent true stories from the Sunshine State:
Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding While Driving Drunk
Accused Flasher Says He Was Trying To Remove Bug
Woman Calls 911 To Complain About Being Shorted On Pot
Woman Stops Traffic To Masturbate Naked Atop A Stranger’s Car
Florida Man Puts Dragon Lizard in His Mouth, Smacks People with It
* * * * *
JADEN SMITH'S MAGIC 8-BALL
The host asks meaningful topical or personal questions of his custom-made Magic 8-Ball but instead of “It is certain” or “My reply is no,” he sees actual Tweets from Jaden Smith.
A few examples:
Question: Will tonight’s show go well?”
Answer: “That Moment When Peeing Feels So Good You Start Crying.”
Question: Should we renovate the kitchen?
Answer: “The Biggest Flex Anyone Will Ever Have Is Dying.”
Question: Is it time to look for another job?
Answer: Trees Are Never Sad Look At Them Every Once In Awhile
Question: Will that certain person ever call me back, or did I blow it?
Answer: If A Cup Cake Falls From A Tree How Far Away Will It Be From Down # Jupiter.
Question: I’m worried about my health. Am I okay?
Answer: That Moment When Your Wearing A Dress With No Pants And You Swerve Way To Hard.
Question: Who will be our next President?
Answer: The More Time You Spend Awake The More Time You Spend Asleep
Question: What happens when no one tells a rich kid to just sit down and shut the fuck up?
Answer: “I Saw Owen Wilson One Time From A Distance And We Just Stared At Each Other Then His Car Drove Off.”
* * * * * *
INT. BEDROOM, NIGHT
A YOUNG WOMAN IS IN BED. SHE GLANCES AT HER CLOCK, PUTS DOWN HER BOOK AND TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. AFTER A BEAT, A MAN ENTERS THE BEDROOM, DRAGGING A CHAIR. HE SITS AT HER BEDSIDE. HE IS WEARING IDENTICAL PAJAMAS AS HERS. SHE DOESN'T SEEM ALARMED.
Not tonight. I have an early meeting tomor-
I'll be gone in a minute. Just one question...
That guy in our English class back in fifth grade, the one who always wore striped shirts. What was his name?
Sure you do. Was it Robert?
Yes, it was Robert.
No, it wasn't. It was Robin. No. Roberto?...Robby?...Bobby?...
WHILE PAJAMA GUY CONTINUES LISTING NAMES, PAJAMA GIRL ENTERS WITH HER OWN CHAIR, WEARING THE SAME PAJAMAS.
PAJAMA GUY (CONT’D)
PAJAMA GIRL (sitting)
Remember that time you thought your boss’s wife was her mother? God, that was so awkward. Let's watch the playback!
SHE AIMS THE REMOTE TOWARDS THE TV (OS) AND LEANS IN, RAPT.
PAJAMA GIRL (CONT'D)
Here's a close up of your boss, judging you. And her wife, judging you. And here's what I imagine Tim from Accounting looks like naked.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's a skin ulcer.
ANOTHER PERSON WALKS IN WEARING THE SAME PAJAMAS, COVERED IN SOOT.
You forgot to turn off the stove. We're going to burn to death.
It's off. I checked.
The front door is unlocked.
I locked it before I went to bed.
SOOTY PAJAMAS (whispers)
Maybe when you thought you locked it, you actually unlocked it.
That's not a thing.
BUT SHE LOOKS WORRIED, MOVES TO GET UP. PAJAMA GIRL CLICKS HER REMOTE.
Remember that time you dropped an entire lobster tail down your shirt in front of that hot guy at that party?
SHE SLUMPS BACK DOWN, WINCING.
Yes. I don't need to see that agai-
Yes you do. Butter got everywhere.
ANOTHER PAJAMA-CLAD PERSON ENTERS: A DROOPY SORT, DRAGGING A CHAIR.
Even if you fall asleep right now you'll only sleep four hours and you're going to give a terrible presentation and lose your job...
PAJAMA GIRL (helpful)
Because your boss thinks you hate lesbians.
And you'll have to become a prostitute but you won't make the big money because your knees look weird in shorts. Your cat will develop an allergy to the cheap food you'll have to steal and...
...He will escape out the front door, which is unlocked!
PAJAMA GUY (shouts loud)
THEY ALL STARE AT HIM.
PAJAMA GUY (CONT’D)
Striped-shirt guy in the fifth grade. Duncan.
So we're done?
Wait! No, Duncan was the smelly kid you wouldn't dance with in middle school. You crushed him.
PAJAMA GIRL (clicks remote)
There he is. Look, you made him cry.
He forgot to lock his door that night.
A NEW PAJAMA-CLAD FIGURE STRUTS INTO THE BEDROOM.
PAJAMA HUNK (forceful)
LET HER GO!
THE OTHERS RECOIL AND SHRINK INTO THE SHADOWS. THE GIRL LOOKS GRATEFULLY AT THIS NEWCOMER.
GIRL (deep relief)
You are welcome.
HE JUMPS ON THE BED AND CUDDLES UP NEXT TO HER.
PAJAMA HUNK (CONT'D)
And now, I shall sing you to sleep.
That's actually not-
HE LAUNCHES INTO FULL-THROATED CHORUS OF ABBA'S BIGGEST HIT.
Waterloo! Wah wah wah Waterloo.
I was defeated. You won the war.
Waterloo! Wah wah wah, Waterloo...
DROOPY PAJAMAS (shouting over)
There are ten white rhinos left on Earth. You've done nothing for them. Nothing.
PAJAMA GIRL (simultaneously)
Good luck with that meeting tomorrow! Do you want to see how it's going to go...
SHE CLICKS THE REMOTE.
PAJAMA GUY #1 AND SOOTY PAJAMAS
We'll catch you tomorrow night!
PAJAMA HUNK (even louder)
…Knowing my fate is to be two shoes…
Waterloo. Promise to something for ever-loo…
Waterloo! Wah wah wah, Waterloo...Waterloo...Waterloo...
This introduces the “Intrusive Thoughts” characters who follow this woman around, night and day, as she enjoys such modern adventures as:
A job interview.
A first date.
Her sister’s wedding.
A one-night stand.
Getting drunk at a business convention.
Meeting her boyfriend’s family for the first time.
Or pretty much anywhere she can be her own worst enemy.
* * * * * *