“…Gather round, Gentle Readers. It is time I tell the story of the worst decision I ever made in an office…”

“… If you move anything on your face, my brain announces, “Same but different, possibly a stranger.” I am then forced to glance at you shyly, hoping your behavior will somehow signal whether we have ever actually met… “

“…Frankly, I’m surprised this information wasn’t relayed by solemn Feds standing on my doorstep... “

“…A few years back, our toilet developed a...sigh. Nothing catastrophic, just sort of the passive-aggressive sound a Midwestern mother might make if you brought your college boyfriend home for the holidays and seconds before dinner was served he announced he was vegan…”

“…I would imagine walking down the aisle towards my beloved and looking into eyes of some guest’s plus-one and thinking, “Damn it, it was him, this plus-one, and not that poor sap smiling at me. Perhaps I can just slide out the side d-oh, we’re married…”

“…Whenever I have a procedure, no matter how safe, no matter how unremarkable, I ask what are the weirdest complications. ‘Nothing will go wrong. I've done this a thousand times. No need to worry,’ the doctor always assures me…”

“…I have been in four car accidents. Well, technically, I have been in more than that, but I only count the ones where the car was totaled…”

“…I have lived with parents, with platonic roommates, a boyfriend, by myself; in all that time, I never considered the stove as anything more than a tool…”

“…When my neighborhood was known for bags of dead roosters and no fewer than three gangs fighting for hegemony, Vlons was the only store. The community has changed; Vlons has not…”

“…Say what you will of mammograms, it’s fun that someone is still sending mail…”

“… I can't prove this but I suspect preschool is mostly lining up, being taken to the bathroom and licking each other…”

“…The lead actor had to be attractive, dark blonde and shirtless. My job was to tell a bunch of twenty-five year old men I had to see their ID, then make them take their shirts off…”

"…You never talk to people," Consort observed, a touch sadly because my weirdness means he gets fewer dinner parties than he'd like. We have had more than I'd like…”